We recently posted a question from a mom of twins and asked for feedback from our Twiniversity Facebook community:. My husband and I have never fought so much. He is so stressed from no sleep, 3-month-old twins, and his job, but he has said some very hurtful things. Anyone else go through this? How did it work out for you guys? Not to worry momma. I think just about all of us have gone through this phase.
They know that they have to live together. One studyfor instance, found that twins who had a strong bond with each other also reported more intimate relationships with others.
Growing up as a twin, then, sets you up for a lifetime of dating just a little bit differently. For one thing, maintaining a strong sense of individuality while in a relationship - something that can be a fraught process for anyone - is especially challenging, and especially important, as a twin.
Eventually, though, that pair identity becomes less of a refuge and more of a burden. Especially in adolescence, when everyone is already working to figure out who they are, twins are working double time: first to define themselves, and then to differentiate themselves from the other half of their twinship. It was only once I began to get a better sense of my own interests - taking writing classes, identifying as a climate activist - that I felt my identity as a twin receding to the background of who I was.
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As an adult, Vincent Arthurs, a nurse who lives in New Brunswick, Canada, attended a twin support group to learn how to live as an individual. As I Barbara explained in my book Twin Dilemmas: Changing Relationships Throughout the Lifespan, twins often have high expectations for their romantic partners, looking for someone who seems to automatically understand them on a deep level. I was used to something more: I wanted someone to understand me instantly, and often without words, the way my twin would.
The flipside of this, though, as Barbara noted in her book Not All Twins Are Alike: Psychological Profiles of Twinshipis that that the need for a deeper connection can help to foster greater levels of empathy in twins.
But it is an intense training ground for building close relationships, one that teaches us to value emotional intimacy and then to work extra hard to find it. But the problem is that we do not have any spare time for any of these!!!
As the twins get older it will become easier to get stuff done, but watching twins still requires a lot of energy, no matter the age. Personally, I think your husband needs to shut and up and put up - aka, he needs to help with the cleaning and cooking and not just pitch in when convenient. Dating isn't really easy for anyone. But for twins, there is a new level of difficulty that only other twins understand. Whether you are identical or fraternal, you are born with a partner in crime, and it's not easy to find someone who they'll approve of or who isn't also attracted to them. Dec 11, It might require more time, or you might consider moving on. As with any dating, check your own emotions and feelings about being with your twin date as a person in his or her own Consider how many people of single birth have a problem with clearly defining who they are in life. If 66%.
All I ever wanna do is sleep whenever I get a chance! So my advice is stick to the routine with twins, try spending some quality time with your husband, and enjoy life in the moment without stressing out about the future. Kids grow up too fast and we are missing out on so many good things while fighting and arguing who the better parent is.
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We are a team now, so gotta act like one! No separation, no walking out, but toughing through it together. Remember how amazing that you both were picked to be parents of twins.
Let him do it his way. Remember to take time for yourselves. The housework can wait, it will get done and you will have to do it all over again the next week! I napped when my twins napped as I got up every couple of hours all night long.
I accepted any and all help from family and friends. I did not entertain them, I went to sleep while they babysat or did laundry. You need to ask for help at this phase for your sanity. If you do not have family or friends nearby, hire a babysitter even if for a few hours to catch up on your sleep. Do know that parents of multiples have a higher statistic for divorce and I think the stress is a huge part of it.
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So, relax and remember you two created those beautiful babies and you can do this. But you will get more sleep. We had such a solid relationship and then the twins came and exhaustion and stress have taken over. We sat and had a long talk and decided that certain things could wait.
Once we stopped stressing ourselves about the dishes, laundry, and cleaning always having to be done, things got better.
Growing up as a twin, then, sets you up for a lifetime of dating just a little bit differently. For one thing, maintaining a strong sense of individuality while in a relationship - something that can be a fraught process for anyone - is especially challenging, and especially important, as a twin. May 11, Dating a twin may be similar or not so similar to dating a person who was a single birth child. Sometimes, especially with identical twins, the amount of closeness between twins can interfere with romantic relationships. May 09, One twin is more of a risk taker with new relationships, while his brother or sister is overly careful. One twin is more interested in financial success while the other twin is interested in artistic self expression. One twin wants a family and the other twin chooses to not have children.
It helped us both get a little bit more rest. Letting you nap when he gets home can be helpful and him sleeping in the other room every other night might help him too. Sometimes it works for you to go to bed when the babies do - he does the first-night feeding so you can sleep for a few hours straight then you do the later in the night feedings so he can sleep for work the next day. I used to doze on the sofa while I nursed the babies, then put them back to bed and go back to bed myself.
I will say you are doing the best you can.
Nov 07, The Truth About Twins A new book by a prominent twin researcher debunks many popular myths and makes a strong case for how all of us can benefit from studies of identical pairs. Oct 16, Identical (Maternal) twins present unique issues, over us singletons. They sometimes form very tight bonds with each other, spend a lot of time together, and generally suffer from separation anxiety when that can't happen. That can cause friction when one of them decides to marry. They may see the spouse as competition. The twin relationship, often a mystery and difficult to understand in words, is undoubtedly a source of wonder, contentment, loneliness, anxiety, and an enduring part of identity. Each post will.
Babies are a huge change let alone two babies. I agree with previous comments about seeing if someone could watch the kiddos for an hour or so. I also agree with turning the reigns over to him and giving him first-hand experience with how much work babies are.
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Leaving my husband in charge at various stages of infancy left him humbled and appreciative of all that I do. Good luck and stay strong!
Sometimes having a heart to heart with someone about how their hurtful words make you feel can make a huge difference too. When I put too many things on the to-do list my husband tells me to be realistic and prioritize the things that have to be done.
That first year is such hard work. We found that having a singleton after that now turning two was a breeze compared with baby twins.
You know, you should probably trust your gut. It could be a therapist, a minister, any trained third party who could mediate between the two of you. Sometimes, it just takes learning some new ways to cope to get through.
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My husband was pretty good with that but we certainly had our moments and still do, sometimes- our twins just turned one. As the twins get older it will become easier to get stuff done, but watching twins still requires a lot of energy, no matter the age.
WHAT IT'S LIKE DATING A TWIN - ft Nina and Randa
Personally, I think your husband needs to shut and up and put up - aka, he needs to help with the cleaning and cooking and not just pitch in when convenient.
My husband and I had to have a talk around the month stage which coincided with me going back to work about just this.
I think you and your husband need to have a similar conversation. Yes, it sucks and everyone is tired, but if you work together it will help make it better - for all of you! There will come a turning point when you feel a lot more capable and in control but it takes awhile to adjust! My husband and I also worked out who did what tasks like, he made bottles for the morning feeding and cleaned bottles at night while I took care of the ones during the day and that helped.
The first 6 months are the toughest. It does get better but in the heat of the moment try not to lose your cool.
I know sometimes that is easier said than done but hold your tongue. Many men go through a weird stage once a baby or two are born.