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Posted by: Duhn Posted on: 27.05.2020


Those who identify as the Enneagram 1 personality type which is referred to as The Reformer, are all about sticking to the rules, having order in their lives, and have a strong sense of right and wrong. They will go out of their way to conform to the rules that are proper. When it comes to dating men or women who are this personality type, there will be expectations that the individual has. Some of these expectations can be rigid. It is time to find out what to really expect when you have a relationship with someone who identifies themselves as The Reformer personality of the Enneagram. One of the things that are very important for those who identify as type 1 or The Reformer of the Enneagram is self-discipline and control. And those who they date and go into relationships with are expected to show that they have a sense of self-control and are self-disciplined.

Conflict occurs when Givers experience Performers as discounting feelings and relationship issues, while Performers experience Givers as getting off task and wanting too much time and attention. A cycle of increasing conflict can result with the two types polarizing - the Giver feeling rejected, getting emotional, and emoting anger and with the Performer feeling unrecognized and impatient and then disappearing into work.

This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness. This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship.

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This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact. Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages. Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Givers want to help doubting, questioning Loyal Skeptics who seem to need support and reassurance.

Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional.

Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common - especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.

However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take. Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking. Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention.

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship.

In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger. Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion. This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship. Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.

But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need.

When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve.

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They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized.

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship.

Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship.

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This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship. Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities.

As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings.

People with an Enneagram Type 1 personality tend to be rational, principled, and judicial in their behavior. They usually have a desire for justice and equality. They are motivated by a strong sense of right and wrong. Enneagram 1 Personality Traits. Basic Desire. Enneagram Type 1 - The Idealist.

They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship. When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis.

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When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios. A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action.

The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust. This can spiral into a web of angry allegations and eventually estrangement. Since both types avoid painful feelings and negatives, difficulties can reach crisis proportions before they are faced.

This cycle of blame creates pain and anger in both.

ENNEAGRAM Type 1- Annoying Things Enneagram Ones Do in Relationships

If the difficulties are not faced, alienation can take place and the relationship can dissolve. Performers and Protectors can join together in pursuit of shared goals with vigor and determination. However, control and competition struggles can emerge unbuffered by softer feelings. A cycle of escalating conflict can ensue with the Protector picking up on the changes of position on the part of the shape-shifting Performer, leading to more provocation of the all-or-nothing style of confrontation.

Hurtful fights, withdrawal, and disruption of the relationship may ensue leading to termination the relationship. In turn, Performers help to mobilize Mediators into action.

Getting frustrated and impatient, the Performer may pressure the Mediator to make decisions. Feeling discounted and controlled, the Mediator can become anxious, stubborn and resistive.

This then may escalate into angry exchanges and debilitating, prolonged stand-offs that threaten or may even dissolve the relationship. Then, they may feel disappointed in each other or themselves and feel that something important is lacking.

A push-pull can take place between them when what is absent and longed for seems better or more ideal than what is present and fulfilling. A cycle of escalating conflict can arise in, which they compete for understanding, acknowledgement, support, and attention. Moodiness, anger over disappointments, and loss of steadiness may ensue. When this push-pull cycle repeats often enough the relationship can destabilizes and dissolve.

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In general, however, Romantics want more and Observers want less in relationship. Romantics can experience Observers as emotionally unavailable, overly intellectual, withholding, and controlling of time and energy, while Observers can experience Romantics as too emotional, demanding, intrusive, and difficult to satisfy.

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A cycle of escalating conflict can occur with the Romantic becoming more demanding and self-focused and the Observer more retracted and detached from feeling. At worst, this can devolve into paralysis of action, disengagement, and ultimately alienation. Loyal Skeptics appreciate the creative flair, authenticity or genuineness, and depth of heartfelt feeling of Romantics. But conflict arises when the Romantic seem insatiable in wanting what is lacking and when their feelings change dramatically.

This, in turn, can generate a cycle of escalating conflict, which leads to further disappointment, hurt, and demands for attention by the Romantic accompanied by the push-pull pattern of alternatingly spurning and embracing the Loyal Skeptic, which tends to magnify or heighten his or her doubts and mistrust of the relationship.

Angry outbursts, accusations, and withdrawal may be the result disrupting the relationship. The Romantic then can push for more attention and authenticity and expresses further disappointment. The Epicure gets impatient and wants to escape seeming limitations and create a positive future, which can further polarize the relationship.

The gulf between them can become larger and larger culminating in a vast sea of hurt, anger, withdrawal, and even dissolution of the relationship.

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Romantics may experience Protectors as overpowering, insensitive to their impact and to tender feelings, dominating with all-or-nothing declaratives, and even crude. Protectors may experience Romantics as overly dramatic and emotional, falling into inaction, self-focused, and demanding. Both compound this by insisting on their own points view.

Polarization with entrenched fighting, intense anger, and withdrawal may follow endangering the relationship and even leading to dissolution of the relationship. A cycle of escalating conflict can ensue if the Mediator responds by feeling deficient and digs in, becoming stubborn and resistive.

Both types can resist influence, become angry, and blame the other for their difficulties. Both can then withdraw and fall into inaction and manifest feelings of deficiency and sometimes depression.

In time, this cycle can threaten or even result in termination of the relationship. Observers bond through shared intellectual interests and participation in meaningful projects and activities.

Observers can relax with each other in this non-demanding climate. The same stance and qualities, however, can lead to loss of contact, emotional distance, and disconnection. Both can feel ignored and even deprived, experience each other as miserly and unavailable, and ultimately feel lonely and impoverished.

A cycle of increasing conflict may result characterized by frustration, cryptic sharp comments, short angry outbursts, and finally retraction and withdrawal.

In the end there may not be enough contact and nurturance to sustain the relationship. Observers and Loyal Skeptics appreciate their shared characteristics of thoughtful intellectual analysis, respect for boundaries, sensitivity, and non-demandingness.

A cycle of escalating conflict can result with the Observer experiencing the Loyal Skeptic as making too many demands. This cycle can spiral downward disrupting the relationship as the Loyal Skeptic expresses intensified fears and allegations and the Observer responds with bursts of anger and further retreat, eventually ending the relationship.

A cycle of escalating conflict can take place, however, when the Observer experiences the Epicure as violating personal boundaries and as wanting too much contact, sociability, variety, and energy.

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The Epicure then can experience the Observer as dampening his or her enthusiasm, retracting, and becoming unavailable. As a result, over time there may not be enough contact or commitment to sustain the relationship. In addition, both types value autonomy and independence. Both may end up angry, hurt and detached from each other. This cycle can ultimately threaten the viability of the relationship.

The Observers-Mediators relationship can be a comfortable, supportive one because both types can be steady and non-demanding, and both types want to get along and avoid conflict.

A cycle of increasing conflict can unfold with the Mediator, wanting more connection and involvement, complaining, and getting stubborn or dug in and the Observer retracting further and withholding. Both can escalate the conflict by trying to avoid conflict. And both can fall into angry withdrawal and inaction. Ultimately, this may result in not enough contact to sustain the relationship. Hence, they often are uniquely suited to support and protect each other because they share this worldview.

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Conflict arises, however, around differing doubts, fears, and concerns. When it occurs each Loyal Skeptic can become contrary, oppositional, and mistrusting of the other. If this escalates into a cycle of increasing conflict, difficulties can get magnified, resulting in angry allegations. While the more counterphobic Loyal Skeptic becomes more challenging and confrontive, the more phobic Loyal Skeptic becomes more withdrawing.

This ultimately can disrupt and even end the relationship if neither takes responsibility for what they are projecting onto the other. The Epicure, who deplores limits, then tries to escape, providing rationalizations for his or her point of view. Finally, polarization and episodes of angry allegations can disrupt and even dissolve the relationship.

Angry confrontations may occur, causing either one to withdraw. Ultimately, the cycle of confrontation and counter-confrontation or withdrawal can lead to alienation and a lasting disruption of the relationship. As long as you are both healthy people and have enough similarities to have things to share in life and enough difference to keep life exciting and stimulating, you can create a happy, healthy relationship with any Enneagram type.

If you are a type one, the Reformer, you feel compelled to bring change to the world. You want to do your best. You want everyone to do their best.

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While admirable, this characteristic can cause you to be especially hard on yourself and be hard on others, too. Stop being so critical - of yourself and of others - to avoid pushing people away, even if your "advice" or "help" coming from a place of kindness, in order to open yourself up to finding true love. If you are a type two, you feel called to love and support those around you - and you are very good at it, too.

Your strength is that you know what other people need. However, when you become desperate to be loved and want to be the center of attention, you can get caught up in living through others.

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Too often, you will hover over others trying to make them like you, which in the end has the opposite effect and can cause you to seem needy. To help yourself find and keep love, start making it a priority to care for yourself first, so you take some of your attention and sometimes overbearing goodwill off of the other person.

If you are a type three, you feel compelled to be successful in the eyes of those around you. Yet, you find it hard to slow down. You have a tendency to abandon your own values in order to be more successful, which can irritate those you love because they become confused as to who you really are.

This can actually come across as a loss of identity in their eyes, since you continually try to be what they want, rather than being true to yourself.

So make a point to ground yourself in your values - and stick to them - in order to attract love. If you are type four, you tend to be creative, honest and distinctive. Social situations and small talk are difficult for you, too. Under stress, you to go into your mental world and at times will distance yourself from everyone around you. To find love, work on becoming more emotionally present and finding ways to feel more comfortable in social situations centered around small talk.

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If you are a type six, you love to keep yourself and everyone else safe. You are a keen observer, and it is easy for you to spot problems before they become serious. You are very dependable, too. To find your soulmate: You're always looking for security, so your greatest challenge in finding love is learning to trust your own abilities to know what's best and recognize once you've met the right person. What's more, you must be careful not to come across as a "wet blanket" by squashing your partner's hopes and dreams with your overly realistic approach.

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If you are a type seven, you are hungry for adventure and look for new and exciting experiences every day. The plus side to this is that people who hang around you are never bored. However, you have a tendency to stay overly busy seeking what's "new and next" to avoid feeling vulnerable in your heart and body. To find your soulmate: It can be hard for you to slow down enough to get to know someone - or even to pin down a date - since you're always hoping someone more exciting might come along.

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2 Replies to “Dating an enneagram 1”

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