So often my clients ask about dating a widower. Is it a red flag? Should I proceed with caution? Is it a losing proposition? And my answer may surprise you: widowers are some of they best, most eligible, grownup men out there. Well, for starters, a man who had a good, long marriage can be a great catch! He probably knows how to love, communicate, commit, work through problems and misses being married.
When he broke up with me he had all my stuff hidden in a corner of my house and he was waiting for me when I got home at midnight to break the news. When I asked him, when will I get my stuff, he pointed to the place where he had my stuff in trash bags and said I already packed it all up for you. Now I feel like he just quickly replaced me with someone else and he started looking while we were in the relationship. Wait a minute. Are you sure he has someone else? I have a few thoughts.
All of these issues are HIS issues and have nothing to do with you.
He is very very confused and it sounds like he desperately felt like he needed space, hence packing up your stuff which is really mean, by the way. This is not about me, but about HIM. And, somewhere out there, is a man who wants to receive all the love i have to give. He sounds really really confused and needs therapy. And, if he is with someone else, those same issues will creep up with her.
I be been seeing a wonderful man for a year who was widowed just over two years ago. He had been married over 30 years.
I am separated after 26 years of marriage. We get on so well, he never says anything comparing me to his late wife, however he still wears both their wedding rings and does have pictures of her in his house one of his daughters purposefully put a new one up the week after I met her.
It was a photo of her mum on her wedding day. He has even accused me of not loving him on the evening of the day he had booked days off for a joint holiday and we had just been away on a fabulous weekend I have never said anything like this to him. He is wonderful and I tell him all the time how much I love him. But these out bursts really hurt. I end up calling him and talking to him about how he actually feels. He says he is really scared of being hurt again he then calls and texts to see if we are ok.
I have been dating a widower for over 2 months now. His wife passed away 10 years ago and he has 2 grown children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I am 48 and he is We share many of the same interests in sports teams, travel, fitness, etc. We connected on a deeper level on a group trip to Hawaii a few months back and we have been exclusively dating since then.
There are no pictures of his wife in his house. He told me about 6 weeks ago that during the marriage, his wife left him for another man and had a 5 year relationship with him.
She felt lonely because he was a cop and he worked 4pmam. She took the kids and moved in with her parents. During this time he had other relationships as he was devastated but they never divorced.
She eventually ended her affair, took the kids and moved back in with him. He stayed with her until she passed away from cancer. His insecurity manifests itself in anger and almost rage against me as our relationship has progressed or regressed. On the days I can work from home, he asks me to work from his house which I do. When we go out, he thinks everyone is trying to pick me up. We have a large group of mutual friends. He always tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then after a few drinks, he says these hurtful things but he carries this over to the next day.
We have all of these trips and concerts planned and paid for and now he wants to just throw our relationship away. This reply is for Donna. He pursued me for two years before I agreed to go out with him. His late wife has been gone for 7 years. We were both very good to each other for the duration of this relationship. He often told me that I was the most affectionate and passionate woman including his late wife that he had ever been with.
We enjoyed a lot of fun activities together and he often told me that he had fallen in love with me.
He always appeared to be a calm, patient person, but I saw a whole other side to him a month ago. Much to my surprise, he went ballistic over a very minor incident. Since I am a good dancer, I have performed a group routine with my dance group. Also, a family member was flying in to visit him on the afternoon of the performance, so he declined to perform. On the evening of the performance, I posted a group picture and an individual picture of my dance partner and me.
The sh-t hit the fan and I received four days of sarcastic, very critical texts from my boyfriend. He had known that I was going to dance the routine and he knew who my dance partner was going to be a full week before the performance and never acted upset about it.
Now he was ranting and totally out of control, but he would only text me. He refused to talk with me via phone, or in person. I removed the pics and asked via text what else I needed to do to make this right for him. I did not apologize for participating in the performance, but I apologized six times for it upsetting him.
I texted that I loved and cared about him five times. I tried to rationalize that we had shared a wonderful 16 months together and this was just one incident.
Apologise, but, insecurities dating a widower think only! Completely
Nothing worked. Was this the same man who told me how much he loved me the morning of the performance? It was if I were dealing with a completely different person now.
After 7 days of this nonsense, I had to be honest with myself. A man who truly loved me and cared about preserving our relationship would not be treating me like this. He was punishing me. Emotional abandonment is emotional abuse plain and simple. For all of the energy, time, money and love I had lavished on this widower, I did not deserve this kind of poor treatment.
As difficult as it was for me, I decided that I had to end the relationship. If I allowed him to continue to treat me like this until he was good and ready to reconcile, it would set a precedent for future conflicts. We had a cruise paid for and another trip planned. All got cancelled. Donna, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Trust me, you are never going to get that from your passive-aggressive widower boyfriend.
Get out now before he strips you of your dignity. Last year, my wife Jo passed away suddenly and my whole world turned upside down. We started going out in and married in She introduced me to a different world I knew nothing about - Koru Club travel etc. We were in our late thirties so it seemed to make more sense to spend time and money on spending time and doing things with family especially the nephews and nieces. By default I think we both felt there were enough children in the world and our families and we could make a difference by supporting and loving them.
They have been my strongest support throughout this whole ordeal. All I miss are the hugs and cheek to cheek to feel the warmth. I have been dating a widower of three years when we met 11 months ago. He had been married for 40 years after marrying his childhood sweetheart at He is very affectionate privately but lacks any verbal affection at all. He is very attentive and takes me to beautiful places around town. Any Verbal affection I give is never reciprocated.
We Tell each other we feel very fulfilled in the bedroom and says he feels the chemistry. Four weeks ago it was like a bomb shell when I asked him if he felt truly ready to move on when we met and whether he was happy with our relationship.
He has never said he loves me and never talks of his feelings. He asked me then to stay with him and be patient.
There has also been trouble with his grown-up daughter with her own family accepting me who is not happy to see her dad moving on. She is quite cold to me and hardly talks to me on family occasions.
I have been dating a widower for over 3 years. I know you don't want to hear this, but, I am going to be completely honest with you: It never gets easier. You will always have insecurities about feeling second place.
So the issues are mainly he never talks about his feelings towards me unless I question him when he said he is still Unsure whether he loves me and cannot say it but asked me to be patient.
This was 10 months into our relationship. Would love some replies as as I am feeling desperately unhappy since this shock reply. I should also add that he asked me to go interstate with him for a few days in a couple of weeks time and we also planned a two week holiday this August some months ago, and wondering whether he is staying with me because we have this holiday planned and paid for.
He is a highly successful businessman and also has said that he has never been verbally affectionate but that is not my main worry. He was actually widowed for two years when we met online and I was the second Meeting for him. He has only ever had one woman, his wife, in his life. He moved away from the family home after six months and virtually just walked out and in the same place sense.
Think, insecurities dating a widower explain more
He often talks gently to his daughter about me and encourages her to be warmer and accepting of me. I have been dating a widower for 6 months now. He broke it off with her after 6 months because she became to possessive and wanted to move in with him.
My brother introduced me to the widower and we hit it off right away.
I loved reading all your information on dating a widower. I have been dating a widower for 14 months now and love him very much. His wife died of cancer 3 yrs ago in June he adored her for 30 yrs they have 2 grown up kids. He is closer with her family than his own today. His house is a shrine to her. Sep 26, There's nothing wrong or insecure with wanting to be treated like number one from the person who should love you more than anyone. People expect that in any romantic relationship and are settling if they feel like the widow or widower's heart is still with someone who's six feet under. Dating a widow or widower isn't for everyone. May 31, A widower might have been out of the dating game for years; you must take that into consideration. Look for warning signs: If you are dating a widower and you often find him drawing comparisons between you and his deceased spouse, that is definitely a warning sign. The guy you are dating is still stuck in grief, and it could get pathological.
I actually would ask about her and what she was like. His wife and I went to high school together. Well 2 weeks ago, the first lady started showing up at his house and sit in his driveway for hours until he would come out and talk to her.
He was very honest with me while this was going on. He blocked her number and that is when she started to show up at his house. He finally had to call the police. I had a heart to heart talk with him and told him, I could deal with him missing his wife but I cannot deal with this crazy behavior of the other woman. Though I feel he has done everything he could to control her behavior.
He constantly tells me his heart has turned to stone and he is not the same man he used to be since his wife died. My mind is wandering all over the place. I know he is suffering from depression but he will not seek help or take medication. This is his life and he needs to take control of it and do what he needs to, to make this happen. I know what a grieving spouse goes thru as my brother in law committed suicide 5 years ago and what I am telling him is the same thing I told my sister.
Thank you from my heart. I met a widower 2 months ago we live in other states but we plan to meet soon and share videos and text and talk alot. He had a beautiful marriage as he puts it. Me I have had 3 abusive men in a row. I feel since he had a very successful marriage of 28 years we should leave it at that and just be companions She was not that pretty or sexy and I think somewhere down the line some kind of guilt will pop up because of that.
I have always been the one to break-up in the past and consider myself an exceptional woman in every way He is the most amazing man I have ever met. Oh I forgot to say that we both have kids the same age so we will be empty nesters in a year from now and I have 2 older girls.
My son has seen me go through ringer for 10 years with his step father and thinks I should just have a companion too after he moves on after high school.
My girls would like to put me in a box and keep all men away from me as they think no one deserves me. It would be selfish for her to want to keep her dad all to herself I think One day at a time! And I always respected that ,and he respected me but taking her pictures down and stopped bringing her up in everything.
We have been together 6 -7 months now and completely happy in love. How will we all? It has helped many women deal with the challenges of being involved with a widower. I appreciate this thread so much.
I have been a widow for 6 years. A man I have known not well for 25 years lost his wife 10 weeks ago. We met for lunch because he said he had some questions. It was pleasant and we are going for coffee soon. I am reluctant to get involved because he has been widowed for such a short time.
It seemed to during lunch that he would like to at least be friends and do things together. This is fine with me but caution alarms are going off like crazy in my head.
I could use some advice on how to proceed. I am open to a deeper relationship but am not interested in moving in or getting married. Perhaps I should wait for a few signals from him to begin the conversation. He may make it clear that this is just a friendship. I lost my wife of just over 25 years of marriage almost 5 months ago now.
She was my one and only. We were home bodies and really did not have any friends except for ourselves. Reading this type of article actually helps to be able to see the other side of things. Yes I am in therapy, and getting better. The thing that I miss most is the intimacy, i. I do not want to be married again, at least not yetI would like to find someone to share my life with in the future. I do realize in my heart that I am not ready for any type of relationship, but my mind keeps trying to push me that way.
Right now I just want people that I meet, which is not many, that I am a good man. Any advise from the female perspective would be appreciated. Thank you. I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a really special bond. You are in my prayers. I wish you the best in your journey.
Well, here goes. His wife passed Junewe met February He went on a few dates prior to me, and said they were not his type.
Congratulate, insecurities dating a widower for that
I believed he was being honest. When I first went to his home it was filled with pictures, pictures and more pictures. Some pictures were taken down and her belongings were removed from their home at the actions of his children.
His children wanted to make it more comfortable for me. I appreciated that, however, I feel he should of taken the initiative. We got engaged April We relocated to a new area, new home. I didnt have chance to decorate and he soon placed her picture in the livingroom.
I became upset. When is it enough. He still has her photo as his cell phone screen. So, he decided to change it with her initials.
I understand memories, we all have them. What a tough situation. He needs to work through this if the two of you are going to have a life together.
I hope it works out. My first marriage was 27 years. Divorced in I became smitten with a woman from high school with whom I connected on Facebook. We were married in She was diagnosed with breast cancer in and we lost the battle in May of this year.
Back inanother woman had shown an interest in me, but she was in the midst of a very nasty divorce. She had become pretty bitter about it.
We never spoke after I become involved with my LW. A month after my LW passed, we communicated by private message for the first time. A month later we met for a casual dinner. We continued to communicate. I finally asked her on a date. She admitted to not having any real relationships since her divorce 8 years ago. She said that every time someone got close she would run. Well, she did that to me as well. We got close, and I felt the push come. I was patient. I put some space between us and let her think it through.
When we did finally spend time together, it was very intimate this is a long distance relationship. We have both been well pleased with our time together and apart.
I know I am ready. I have been in counseling for 5 months. I discussed this with my counselor, and she was supportive if I felt I was good with it, knowing that there would still be triggers, and certain times of emotion. My new relationship is hard, not because of me, but because my new friend moves toward me, then away.
Insecurities dating a widower
She now has broken through and says she loves me, and I her. I hope she gives us a chance. I am 62, she is I am still not completely sure that this will be the kind of unconditional love that I had with the LW, but I have hope. Sorry for this being so long. I have been dating a widowerfor 16 months, his treatment of me is wonderful, very affectionate, caring and attentive.
The problem is he never talks about his feelings towards me, I have asked him how he feels and tells me he is confused and that His late wife is still very much in his life and heart. We are both in our mid 60s and he had one lady in his life, a marriage of 40 years. He talks of holidays in the future, in which we have planned a year ahead.
He has never been a verbally affectionate person but I am yearning to hear the words I love you after 16 months of relationship. You have every right to hear those words after 16 months. Is he in therapy?
Maybe the two of you could see a therapist together and you could bring this up. I feel for you and yes, you deserve to hear those words. You are not wrong. Hi Jackie, thank you so much for your thoughts. I mentioned therapy for us together but he said that he felt that he wanted to do this alone, and agreed that he needs to see a therapist as he did shortly after his wife passed away.
He has told me he feels guilt, and finds it hard to open up his heart completely to another woman. I brought this A few days ago after it was getting me down and quite overwhelming but still will not discuss his feelings even though I was upset.
So, this is YOUR decision. I will say, my gut says, if he loses you, he will take it much harder than you. Hope that helps. We married in July of this year, and it has been at times, difficult, but mostly, quite wonderful.
There are unique challenges and feelings that I have to identify and put into proper perspective. I must evaluate constantly if the feelings I have are valid and should be discussed, or if they are simply feelings of inadequacy. She was a champion horse rider and her horse stuff is everywhere. Yes, he may have lost his wife of 30 years, but he welcomed me and my son into his life, therefore, room must be made for me. I also wish to say that it is a process, and one that I accepted willingly, and must be understanding and patient, as things do improve with time, and MUCH communication.
And I made quite certain to tell him about this and how I loved it. I hope these words help someone else, who may read this in tears or frustration late one night. Be encouraged as if he asked you to marry him, realize that the journey will be at times hard, but the reward is a most amazing gift of joy and happiness imaginable!
Thank u for these words of encouragement as I really needed them today. My situation is similar to yours in a way My boyfriend and I have known each other since 7th grade and were sweethearts back then. His late wife of 28 yrs was a HS friend of mine too.
Brilliant insecurities dating a widower agree
It was about 5 weeks after her passing that he starting persuing me. I needed to it so much right now as tears stream down my face. This site has really helped me a out as I have met a wonderful widower who wants to see more of me and I really enjoy his company and attention.
We laugh and talk and both enjoy traveling and jazz. We talk openly and honestly on a lot of things and he talks about his wife with me and we call her by her name. I have no issue with him talking about her because she was his life for 38 years. I appreciate all the comments and learned a lot from them. Thank you so much for giving great insight and advice.
I hope the guy who said he was gonna sell everything and get a backpack to travel gives himself another chance to be happy. I wish all of us well in our relationships.
I have been dating a widower for 18 months and both in our mid 60s. You may want to see my previous post under the same name, things have been complicated but improving.
He will be hosting a new years eve party but said if his 41 year old married daughter and her family stay overnight he said he would feel embarrassed and uneasy to share the same bedroom with me so he plans to sleep on the lounge. As we have been sleeping together all along I find this degrading. I asked him if it had anything to do with his catholic religion and he said yes, which I find quite hypocritical. I said I feel As his partner and a relationship of 18 months if this was the case I would not attend the party, as I would feel hurt and degraded having to sleep in separate rooms.
You say nothing to indicate that your emotional life revolves around your late wife or that your home is a shrine to her. And you feel you have to hide your relationship with your former in-laws; how ironic that they are thrilled you have found someone. You can read the rest of her answer here. His emotional life may very well revolve around his late wife or his home may be shrine to her or he may not be in a compromising mood when it comes to spending the holidays somewhere other than the in-laws.
We have no way of knowing whether or not his girlfriend has a valid reason to feel this way. Yes, it takes some deal of self worth to date someone who will always love the late spouse. More power to you. They accept that the widower has a past and are willing to move forward and start a new life together. But the problems and ultimatums usually arise when the widower doesn't want to move forward and start a new life.
Problems arise when the late wife is talked about to such an extent that the girlfriend feels like number two on the totem pole or thinks the widower wishes the late wife was still alive. Problems happen when former in-laws take up such a big part of his life that she feels like her family or her wants and needs are brushed to the side. Also, never try to be like her.
Red Flags to Watch for When Dating a Widower
Yes, you will surely feel the need to try and rise up for the challenge but do it in your own way. This is a slippery psychological slope for both. Remember, he came to like and love you after an enormous loss and pain. Take Course. Learn more ok. Marriage Advice. Other Resources. Marriage Course Save My Marriage. Therapy Issues. Types of Therapy. Find a Therapist. Search for therapist. All Rights Reserved. By Rachael PaceExpert Blogger. Share on Facebook. Share on Twitter.
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