Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective. Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner.
In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation.
Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser" that have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.
Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to break your face! Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies.
Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.
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Psychotic Losers There are losers that are severely ill in a psychiatric sense - the movie description of the "Fatal Attraction". They may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and frighten you with comments such as "I can have anyone killed If you try to end the relationship, they react violently and give you the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger.
People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation.
While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser". Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you.
They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another relationship, "The Loser" may be intimidating toward your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner is not "scared off".
Signs your dating a loser
Just remember - everything "The Loser" has ever done to anyone will be coming your way. You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.
During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.
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In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser". Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore". Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship.
Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend or boyfriend about half nuts!
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Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger.
Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship. Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you.
As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life.
React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
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Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser. Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist. Comment (September 27, ) This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify "Losers" in relationships. The e-mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous. It's clear the article is a way of. Feb 27, Everyone knows a loser when they see one - that is, until they're dating one. Check out these signs that might help you figure out if you're dating a loser.
You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over. You will need encouragement and guidance.
Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort. When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue.
Never change your position - always say the same thing. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life.
As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner victim might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon.
During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.
For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone.
Dating is tough in these times.
I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home.
Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door.
Does this guy have a comment or critique of everyone and everything? Who wants to date a liar? If you frequently or even occasionally catch your guy in lies, start heading for the door!
How can you trust someone, let alone build a relationship with someone who lies about little, everyday things? Ugh, freeloaders are such leeches and dating a freeloader is even worse! There is no way he always has a financial emergency or forgets his wallet each time you guys hang out. If you recognize any of these signs, then you are definitely dating a Loser!
Have you got a foolproof way of identifying a loser? Please let me know! By Kati Blake. Your reaction Thank you!
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Show Commnents Please rate this article click a star to vote. Read More. Type keyword s to search. He seems to be against your success. He hates your boss and thinks he wants you. Test Now!!! He does not give you ideas with anything just keeps telling you how dumb your ideas are.
He does not like your hobbies and how good you are at them. He thinks you should stop singing in the shower. Loser alert! He keeps calling to check on you. He becomes suddenly nice after he has been mean on purpose. He busts your phone when you are out of town.
He shows up at a girls night out. He gets angry when you say another guy is cute even if it is on show. He prefers picking you up after work instead of you meeting him later. He is a loser.
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